Welcome to Discarded Anxiety...Finally

This blog almost never existed.

I’ve been wanting to set up some sort of blog and online existence to help other people for a long time. Much longer than anyone knows, even those closest to me. But I always ran into two problems…

What  in the world would I say, and who would want to listen to me?

With those fears in the forefront of my mind, I’ve started and deleted 5 different blogs over the last 5 years.  I didn’t think what I had to say was valuable and I didn’t think I could help anyone.

You see, I had decided I was going to fail well before I gave myself any real shot.

After repeatedly telling myself I wasn’t good enough, and thinking that everything would ultimately end in failure, I became disgusted with myself and honestly, depressed.  I definitely wanted more out of life, but I couldn’t push myself over the hurdle to actually try and obtain that “more“.  I felt stupid, sad, irritated, and very stuck.

This wasn’t the first time I’ve landed here.  I’ve had so many “great” ideas.  When something peaks my interest, I try my best to learn everything I can about it.  I find the blogs, and the books and the podcasts about that topic and I really dig into it.  Most of the time, I’ll come out of it with an idea on how to take what I’ve learned and use that to make an impact and a difference in the world.  I plan things out, I take copious notes, I even mock up websites.

Then somewhere along the line, I hit a wall.  The same wall I’ve been hitting all my life.  The wall of fear, doubt and anxiety.

I assume you know the wall I’m talking about. I’d even venture to guess that you have a similar wall that you’re tired of running into too, and that’s likely why you’re here.

Climbing the Wall of Fear

This site, this blog, this post, all of this is about getting over that wall.

In an attempt to conquer my wall, I began writing myself a letter.  Letter writing was one of the ways I would cope with my anxiety and fear.  I’d write myself a letter saying exactly what I would say to a friend.  It was my way of encouraging myself.

In it, I discussed my accomplishments in life thus far: graduating college and grad school, landing a good job, flipping a house without losing my shirt, marrying the most beautiful and perfect woman, traveling to Hawaii and Italy, and buying our first home.

I also discussed my failures.  I talked about forgoing opportunities because of fear, hesitating to action because I was too scare to speak up, allowing myself to be taken advantage of because I didn’t want to have a confrontation, putting nearly all my eggs into one basket, and having that basket fall apart, and steadily not living up to my own desires and expectations for myself.

Then, I talked about my desires to be a better me.

How I want to get into better physical, mental, and emotional shape. I wrote about having an almost painful need to make a difference in the lives of others and the equally painful fear I have of actually doing that.  I discussed my desire to do more with my own life.  To travel, have new experiences, read more, and really challenge myself.

The Book that Opened My Eyes

I ended the letter, talking about a book I had been reading.  A book I got from the library, that I hadn’t even finished yet at the time.  It was a diary of sorts by Marcus Aurelius called Meditations.  There was a particular passage that for some reason, I had immediately memorized.

Today I escaped anxiety.  Or no, I discarded it, because it was within me, in my own perceptions – not outside. 

– Marcus Aurelius

This quote resonated with me deeply.

It’s as if, although I’ve known that anxiety was something that I’ve dealt with seemingly forever, for the first time, I began to understand that I just might be able to control it.  I knew that anxiety wasn’t going to be something that I could get rid of overnight.  But I did begin to realize it was something that I could manage, and manage to the point of being able to do anything I wanted.

But we’ve all been there, right?  Haven’t you read something or experienced something where you told yourself, “Today is the day I change my life forever”, or at least something along those lines?  Well me too.

Over time I found myself sinking back into the familiar, letting time get the best of me.  I went back to thinking about the things I wanted from life, but not really doing anything about it.  I’d get up, go to work, come home, go to sleep, and never really take any action toward what I really wanted.

But I kept revisiting my letter, and slowly, something started to change in me. Thoughts of “the rest of my life” kept creeping into my mind.  But more importantly, I started feeling like I was running out of time.  Perhaps this was my mini mid-life crisis, but I really began to feel as though I hadn’t done enough with life and I was at a crossroad.

The Tale of Two Options

The first option was to stay my present course.  I have a great job, I make a good living, I can take care of all my obligations and even do some of the things I want to do.  Sure I can’t travel as much as I want, and I’m not really fulfilled by my work, but it allows me to do what I want to do for the most part.

The second option was to start taking some chances and pushing myself to grow.  I knew the thought of working in one place for the next thirty years seriously scared me, but in order to avoid that life, I’d obviously have to do something different.

The only problem with doing something different is forcing yourself to leave your comfort zone and heading out into the wild.  Nobody likes to leave their comfort zone.  Especially those of us who get really anxious about it.  But staying the course to live a boring life with no risks or new challenges, seemed far worse.

So, with the smallest ounce of belief, I started writing again.

I started writing about things I’ve been dealing with, fears I have, and the anxiety I feel on a daily basis.  And the thing that has kept me writing, and will keep me writing is that I believe you might be dealing with the same problems.

If you’re anything like me, you share some of the same problems I do and the biggest problem is fear.  It’s a problem that I want to overcome and ultimately discard.  I’m sure you do too and that’s exactly what this blog is about.

So in an effort to take more chances in life, I’m FINALLY publishing my blog.  Discarded Anxiety.  As afraid as I was, and still am about this… here I am trying my best to do something I set out to do, instead of quitting or deciding to fail before I ever get started.

And that is exactly what I want to help you do!

I’ve struggled with the feelings of thinking I’m not good enough, and I don’t have anything to offer or add.  But simultaneously, I’ve always felt a desire to do something to help change the world.  And I don’t mean change the world like Google and Facebook has. I don’t mean reaching the 7 billion people on the planet, although that would be amazing.  But, all I want to do is help you create change in you.

So if you want to go on this journey with me, you’re more than welcome and I’m excited to have you here.


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